yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
