His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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