My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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