i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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