I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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