I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
