I'm really into asian looking animals
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
