She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize