So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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