well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize