who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
