I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
