He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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