I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize