am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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