This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
