She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
