i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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