I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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