my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
sarcasm needs its own font
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
