Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
