My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I checked into jail on foursquare
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
