WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
