Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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