why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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