I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
