just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Someone stole a lamp last night.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
