Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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