i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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