im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
