hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize