I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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