your parents love me but you hate me
and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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