All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
