you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Randomize
