I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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