gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
