My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
