You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
