I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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