If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
