I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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