Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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