Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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