i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
