Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize