how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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