Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize