just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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