I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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