why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
