And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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