oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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