I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
