Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
