OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
