fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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