she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
