umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize