My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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