What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
