you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
