Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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