this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
