If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
